Am I really that bad

As I was busy helping another friend who is far away to filled up his form, suddenly I teringat balik kata-kata pedas seorang kawan last weekend. Ok I know I said I was over it already and to let bygone be bygone but still I can't help myself from remembering the most harshest thing people has ever said to me. So tetibe macam sedih pulak. It took me almost 2 days to get over the sadness. Contrary to what that friend said; I am not angry but I am sad. Yes I am capable to feel sad too and not just angry ok. That friend always said I'm angry even when I'm not. I don't know, maybe that friend read me differently.

Want to know what that friend said? That I am egoistic, selfish, don't know how to jaga hati orang lain, like to make people feel guilty, not admitting my own weakness/mistakes and always angry. Oh my.... I was so terasa with that statement ok. I wouldn't if that statement comes from a friend who knew me long enough and has been dealing with me personally and directly all this while. But this friend is someone I know during my student time and we just stumbled upon each other in FB right on my first day home for cuti raya. We never talk but keep smsing each other for roughly 2 weeks. Yup it took that friend only 2 weeks to judge me over some mere smses.  Wow! Very talented in reading about people huh.

I don't know how to explain to that friend. I guess there's no point for me to stand for myself if that friend already have negative judgement about me. Lagipun nanti dia kata I nak menang aje kan. That friend might read what I said (or write) differently. For those who knew me personally know how I sound like when I'm talking, right. The tone and all. I might sounded a bit sarcastic when I'm actually mean to joke. So I bet whatever being written by me has been taken by that friend differently. Ok maybe not everything but when I mean to be joking, that friend took it seriously. Well same goes with me. That friend might be joking but I took it seriously. Both are the same actually but saying all that thing adalah sangat tak patut. I know I did said something toward that friend too but nothing as harsh as that. Ok maybe to me la but maybe for that friend it is quite harsh already. Ok la I am at wrong too.

I know I am not a good person and those who read this blog long enough knows that. I admitted my weakness freely here. But then again I am trying and never stop from that to at least be a better person from before. And although I am not that good, I don't think I am that bad either. Me selfish? I don't know. I would go extra mile to help anyone I could. Yeah maybe I am selfish and too proud to realize it.

Me egoistic? Yeah who not. I have my own principle. Might sounded too strict and all but as long as it is not something that is bad or wrong, I don't think I should budge. Ok maybe I need to be more tolerance. Not everyone see things the same way as I am. But still.... hish difficult to explain la. 

I was so down emotionally because how could someone said all that to me. I can choose to just ignore kan. And I've been telling friends that I have hati kering which is not the case in reality. I am still as sensitive as before just that I know how not to react as badly as before. I can now buat muka toya aje even when I'm crying inside. Lagipun nobody cares about what I felt kan so buat apa la nak show my emotion kan. But no... I can't just ignore it. Been trying to tapi asyik la teringat-ingat aje. Especially when I'm alone at home. Memang asyik terfikir aje.

Am I really that bad? Sigh.... Maybe that friend is right and I am living in denial all this while kot. I try not take this thing personally but hey Eny took everything to her heart. Who am I trying to cheat ni. Statement yang sangat melukakan hati betul la...

So friends.... am I really that bad? Be honest.