It didn't feel like new year at all

Patutnya tahun baru rasa excited nak start all over again ke apa ke kan. I tak rasa apa pun. Bosan tahap dewa adalah. It is still the same routine day in day out sampai dah rasa tepu sangat dah. Mental block I ok. Productivity wise; not good at all. Tsk!

I am most happy when I'm at Kuantan. At least there are things to do and I'll be so busy doing this and that. Not that kat sini tak de benda nak buat but no pressure to do anything. Hmmm maybe I need just that kan. To be under pressure. Bila under pressure terus akan gigih membuat semua dengan pantas. Macam kat rumah my parents la kan. Kalau tak buat dengan segera, makin banyak benda akan piles up like the neverending dirty laundry to wash, clean laundry to fold, dirty dishes in the sink and banyaklah. Ada je keje nak buat. At my own crib memang tak de pressure nak buat apa pun. Slow and steady pun ok je.

Here in my office pulak, dok mengadap benda yang sama for almost 4 years already membuatkan I rasa muak amat sangat sampai nak termuntah la. Dah tak de keseronokan lagi dah. Seriously ok. I rasa macam zombie pun ada. Zombie tak de perasaan bila tengok sesuatu tu. I used to have so many plans and otak ni sentiasa comes up with new ideas on stuff related to my works. Sekarang nada. Tak de apa dah. I can't think for anything.

This is critical time. Banyak benda nak buat ni before the first big meeting on 25th. I can't afford to be in mental block condition at this critical time. Sigh...... I feel so miserable la. Tak tau nak describe macam mana dah. Dok mengadap buat report yang sama sampai dah tak tau nak tulis apa dah. Kadang-kadang sampai rasa nak menangis ok. Nak menangis sebab macam helpless sangat with myself. I am so bersemangat in terms of doing other things but not my work. Padahal buat kerja la kena paling bersemangat kan. Nanti tak berkat pulak rezeki tu sebab buat kerja main-main. I tau tu and rasa sangat berdosa tapi nak buat macam mana lagi. Semangat dah hilang.

Tapi bila fikir-fikir balik, I shouldn't be complaining. At least I have a job. Ramai lagi kat luar sana yang menganggur or aiming to get this job tapi tak de rezeki. I ni dah dapat dok la mengomel-ngomel. Macam tak bersyukur pulak kan. Ok la, ok la I insaf kejap. Kena terima la hakikat and buat la keje sehabis baik eh. I wish I can and I even pray hard for Allah to give me strength and will to carry on tapi nampaknya masih belum makbul doa itu. Tak pe I akan terus berdoa supaya dikembalikan semula semangat yang hilang tu. So for the time being dengar la bebelan I yang bosan tahap dewa ni. Hehehe....