Turning point

Hilmy's sudden passing made me think about everything now especially in relocating myself. I love the way I am now; living alone in a nice place completed with almost everything. Life is easy and quite comfy. But is that what I really want? Almost. Just that I missed my family. Missed them and missing a lot of great moments. And what if I die alone? Maybe it took days before people would lodge me missing. By then I would have become a rotting corpse dah pun. Nauzubillah....

Years ago when they started the branch office, En. Afnan who was then doing HR did asked me whether I want to go back to Kuantan or not. Without even considering it, I said no and he should ask those who have family instead. Macamkan I ni tak de family kat sane je eh. Well I just love the way I live my life then.

Then recently I heard that there might be chances again to go back to Kuantan since someone from there is getting married and considering to relocate himself. Told Abah about it and Abah said I should ask for transfer. Balik je la Kuantan. In fact since forever memang Abah suruh pindah balik pun. But I was not really into going back. Love too many things here. But with so many circumstances; of Abah health, of everyone leaving the house and many others, I have now considering it.

Been thinking a lot about it and yet I'm still in doubt. There's too many if. And pro's and con's. The place I live now is very nice. Great view and the apartment is just the great place for me and for anyone who need sleepover. Especially my family when they coming over la kan. I have everything I want here. Well except my parents la obviously. I have friends all over. Good and great ones. All the best shopping complexes is quite nearby. Hahaha..... Basically I have everything I need here except the great comfort of being surrounded with  family members.  

I think I am a better person when I'm on my own. I plan and do everything. And I love the fact of me controlling everything. No one to mess my stuff. I am much more independent and kind of rajin ok. I do my own laundry. Something I never do back at my parents place. I guess when you have someone to rely on, you take everything for granted. Or maybe I am the only one like that. I cook my own meal, I keep my place clean and macam-macam lagi lah. I won't get frustrated easily over things that not done according to my standards because I am the one who would take the blame if it ever happen.

But things is not the same at my parents place. I tend to burst out easily. Semua benda nak marah. Can't locate my things, see all the mess, see the laziness of my siblings (wah macam lah dia tu rajin sangat kan....), see the dirty dishes piling in the sink, and many more. I love to fold clothes but when I see my siblings just chuck the nicely fold clothes in the wardrobe and creating such a mess, I can bebel for hours ok.

I hate that. I hate myself for becoming a membebel queen coz sometimes when we bebel-bebel ni, we tend to say something harsh and in the end instead of making the other party to realise their mistakes, we became anak derhaka. Yelah sebab parents tend to be easily touched when ada orang marah-marah anak diorang ni kan. Even when the one yang marah itu adalah another anak of them. Mengecilkan hati ibu bapa ni kan berdosa besar. Tak cium bau syurga nanti. Ish serba-salah ok. Marah salah tak marah pun salah. Why can I be someone with high tolerance and patient eh. Because I was raised that way. Mom would marah for everything so I've become like her too. Hehehe.... excuses..excuses...

But with Hilmy's sudden passing, I guess all the con's of living with my parents is nothing more compared to the joy of having them around 24/7. Everything I like over here is only temporary. Dunia semata-mata. If I die today, I will not have all this things jugak kan. If I stay with my parents, I will be content that I have spent enough time with them (although forever is still not enough actually). I don't want to be regretting of not spending enough time when they are still around. You know all those little thing that you can reminisce when you missed someone. Jangan nanti bila dah tak de baru nak menyesal. Tak sempat nak buat itu, tak sempat nak buat ini.....

I guess all the con's is only excuses created by me. Maybe I should learn to tolerate more, be more patient or at least  teach the younger siblings to do things accordingly with better way. I have more friends here but I guess I can make friends there too. I can always come to KL to shop at the place I like kan. If I can live with them before, why can't I now. Kan. Banyak sangat songeh ye.....

And like Abah said, "kalau nak simpan duit balik lah Kuantan". Tepat pada sasaran tu. If I live with my parents, I can easily saved around RM1k per month. In which can be use for new car ke, melancong ke or buying great stuff. Ops jangan lupa, next year Mak dah pencen so have to help in supporting those who would still studying. Have to see things from positive view la. And all those negative view, if possible, change it into positive jugak. Better said than done but if there's a will, there will always be a way. Insya Allah.

So this is it lah. The decision to relocate myself is finally something that I will put into serious consideration. When and where, only Allah know best. Mudah-mudahan semuanya akan dipermudahkan. Amin.